The Paradigm Shift Journal Pages

Working late ...or hardly working ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:16:03 GMT

Four years ago, after I graduated University, I thought things was finally going to go right for me. I would move down to Austin with a college degree in one hand and a girlfriend in the other. Thinking back, maybe I was a little to arrogant in my WANTS and not paying much attention to my NEEDS. I keep catching myself running scenarios within my brain of what should have been. What could have been. And what will probably never be. Ah, the life of me!

Then I blink twice and I am back in the here and now--I sigh--and move on with the rest of my existence. I have learned in my life, that dwelling on the past is not conducive to the present. I believe I am at my happiest when I shake the fears, trials and trepidations of the crap that is life and just live to please others as well as myself.

A little self-promotion NEVER hurt anyone ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:21:42 GMT

It has certainly been awhile. I think the date on the last entry I made was back in December. Well, here's to doing better in the future.

For this posting, here is the new issue of the Paradigm Shift: New Paradigm. Well shoot. Here is the blurb I've used before: "The Paradigm Shift is a monthly literary magazine of genre and mainstream works. We offer our readers the very best in extreme short fiction, poetry and artwork.
The Paradigm Shift is currently open to unsolicited submission anytime, anywhere no matter who you might be! Please review our submission guidelines at http://sites.google.com/site/theknightsdomain/Home."

The way I feel ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 23:22:23 GMT

There was time not too long ago when I used to be happy as happy can be. I used to laugh the laugh and sing the songs of the holiday. Until something took a down turn in my life. Now, I get more depressed than anything else through the holidays. I cringe when I think about how the last two or three months are 'just over the horizon.'

I cannot remember when I've had a happy Christmas. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions and should-have-dones that I get so bogged down in self-doubt and regret. And it is more-or-less attributable to one woman and woman alone. The one that walked away and took my heart with her. But, as I ache for the missing things in my life, I turn toward my music for reassurance in helping me build back up all that I'd lost. One such band I discovered years before I met the woman in question is Roxette.

Here is the lyrics to a Roxette song titled, Vulnerable.

Everywhere I look I see her smile
Her absent-minded eyes
And she has kept me wondering for so long
How this thing could go wrong.

It seems to me that we are both the same
Playing the same game
But as darkness falls this
true love falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt the one I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/bE9 ]
Oh so vulnerable.

Days like these no one should be alone
No heart should hide away
Her touch is gently conquering my mind
There's nothing words can say.

She's coloured all the secrets of my soul
I've whispered all my dreams
But just as nighttime falls
this vision falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart, yea.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt someone I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Don't hide your eyes...

Merry X-Mas to all!

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 13:12:36 GMT

And to all ...something, something.

It's Christmas time once again, and all through the house ...Well, in MY house, decorating not so much. The past few Christmases have been, in a word, dismal. Naw, won't go into the gory details of my personal life, at this time. But, let's just say, nothing seems to go right in my life.

I can't help but to think that I am so due for a rather big payoff sometime in the future. Something so tremendous that it will totally make up for all the bad that has occurred over time.

The Elven Emisaries game Session Number Seven

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 08:27:45 GMT

Well, my characters did not see alot of action in this game session. Although, they did have their moments. Which is good. We battled a horde of rock demons and fought pretty valiantly to boot. Well, before the big bad increased his size to the point where the bridge system of the crossroads collapsed causing us to fall deeper down in chasm.

That we left things. It is where we pick up again in two weeks.

Sorry, this is so short. I will post again later, when I have rested.

A bone or no ...the quandary of a penis ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:12:18 GMT

So, I was doin’ the Googling-thing on the internet. And I ended up Googling ‘penis and milk.’ It is not real clear as to why I put those two words together. Outside from the fact that there is an upcoming film based on the country’s first openly gay elected official in San Francisco, titled Milk.
Anywho, I Googled ‘penis and milk’ and came(pardon the pun) up with a question someone had sent to ‘WikiAnswers.’ The question posed to WikiAnswers was “Does milk help your penis grow?” Okay. The question seemed harmless enough. In fact I was a little curious as to the answer myself. I clicked on the link and it took me to the answer. The answer was an honest one, but it was ruefully ironic as I ‘laughed out loud.’
The answer to ‘Does milk help your penis grow?’ Well, according to WikiAnswers: “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t considering its not a bone..... how about asking your doctor.” I suppose what WikiAnswers is really saying is that the penis is the only “bone” in a man’s body which cannot gain the nutritional advantage of drinking a glass of milk.

Does milk help your penis grow?
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Does_milk_help_your_penis_grow

Milk (2008) starring Sean Penn
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1013753/

A little creative writing today ...enjoy, ya muther effers!

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:46:21 GMT

I cannot remember much about how I got here, except that the world I know now is blistery cold. Yet, I sit here around a small fire pit in the center of an ice hut. An igloo, I think is the term. I have been sitting here for the past thirty minutes, staring with due diligence into the eyes of a native(I think) of these parts. This man seems to be some kind of medicine man, the way his overall dress and body markings suggest. His hair is of jet ebony as it cascades over his shoulders with no sign of five-o'clock shadow.

Me, I could not get so lucky. My clothes are in tatters--still wearing the same blue jeans, Pink Floyd t-shirt and Nike shoes. I dig into one of the pockets of my jeans and pull out $4.00 and a small, round pebble. I check my other pocket and take out a slightly used toothbrush. Wow! I think to myself. I really hope this toothbrush is mine and if it is not, I hope I have not been using it.

I set the items from my pocket in front of me and smile up at the assumed medicine man. "So, you come here often?" The man continues to sit and stare, almost as if he is looking right through me to some other universe. The look on his face is haunting and unmistakable as I begin to realize just as I don't know who this person is, I know less about myself. How in the name of Hell did I come to be here? Where is here, for that matter? I begin the path of logical thinking and come up with an idea that I am probably in Northern Canada, maybe even Alaska. For some reason, my anxiety levels drops slightly at the thought of possibly being in Alaska. Although, I do not have a clue as the why I should feel relaxed when I think about Alaska. My logic continues down its programmed path. If I feel at ease thinking about Alaska, I must know that Alaska is part of the United States. So, the solution to this little logic riddle is such that I am a citizen of the United States, and if I am indeed in Alaska, my chances of getting home stands a much greater chance, right? But, the question still remains, where do I call home, and how do get all the way up here in Alaska wearing nothing but a damned t-shirt and blue jeans. Dammit! Why can't I remember more?

"So, 'Mr. Sits-around-fire-looking-stupid?' Who are you?" I make an attempt to break the ice. No pun intended. "What's your name? Where are you from? Can you give me directions to the nearest town?" I ask in rapid-fire succession. "Please answer me."

Without answering any of my questions, the native-ice-indian-eskimo-guy stands full height, turns and walks through the animal-skin door of the ice hut or igloo, whatever. After a few moments, the same medicine man pokes his head back in the igloo and motions me forward. With nothing more to lose, I comply and step through the door.

As I exit the igloo an iridescent white lightly shines brightly from all directions. I begin to have a sensation of movement as I am hoisted up into the air. I get high enough and my fear of heights kicks in I start to panic as struggle to plant my feet back on the ground with sheer futility. I feel as though I am leaving the world the behind as I climb higher and higher into the air. I scream in sheer terror. "Oh my God! What is going?!"

My body, then, begins to fade ever so slightly into the light. No, that is not right. The light which surrounds me washes over me. Cleansing me body and soul. I begin to feel a renewed sense of vigor, and in one singular moment which stretches on for what seems an eternity, my memories come flooding back to me. Me. Daniel Rudowski. The grandson of a polish immigrant. I remember everything actually. My wife and two boys, Anthony and Charles. Our dog. Our neighbors with whom we share a relatively small cul-de-sac in the greater Chicago area.

My mind, for the first time in my life, is now at peace as all the memories of my life which once opened up before me like a galactic slide-show, now fades into the distant recesses of eternity. And I am happy. Happy and secure in the knowledge that I have not wasted my life. That some good has come of it and that I have truly made a difference in the lives of others. I smile broadly as my body begins the slow dissolve just as my memories did a fraction of a second ago. And the last real, cohesive thought I have is of the Cheshire Cat from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland.

My first PUBLISHED novel ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:10:57 GMT

Hello to all Livejournal bloggers and readers out there. Just a quick note of something to which I am extremely proud of ...What is this news of epic proportions, you may ask? Glad ya asked! I have finally published (albeit, self-published) my first novel online! That's right, pal! My first novel, "Greater Destiny I: Fatal Mission" is completed, edited and published through Lulu.com!

Go over, check it out and purchase many, many copies (either download or print copies it don't make any difference to me!)

Thank you, ya yahoos! Thank you all and peace!

Now, go over to Lulu.com and get your copies today! Go on and click the following the link.

GREATER DESTINY I: FATAL MISSION

Keeping it short ...Keeping it simple ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 18:54:24 GMT

After reading someone else's blog, I began to re-think about my own relationship and everything went wrong. Who was to blame. Within the confines of that blog, the man was demoralizing and eviscerating himself. I don't think I have ever done that in all my writings about my relationship. To be fair, I do not think I did not say anything I felt to be untrue. My girlfriend ...my ex-girlfriend has many problems which should have seen and anticipated before I started seeing her on a romantic level. Problems which had been right there the whole time, right under my nose.

Love is often blinding to the truth. We want so badly to be loved and to express our love that we cannot see the forest for the trees. I know this to be fact, because I have now spent a great deal of time of time and energy throwing it all back and forth in my brain in the intervening months since the breakup. Do I still think her leaving was justified? No. Because, she refused to talk to me, the man she supposedly loved, about what was going through her mind. Instead, she shut me out and conspired with friends to put as much mental distance from me as she possibly can.

The Man That Brought the Funny ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:59:42 GMT

Gawd! George Carlin had died a few days ago, which left me feeling a little remorse and even a little saddened. He was a true comic genius, one which will never be replaced in my lifetime. Although, there are other comedians(his peers as it were), none of which delivers a story home straight to the punchline the way Carlin did. He had appeared in movies and television and virtually pushed the envelop of broadcast decency with his seven dirty words you can't say on television. He had a unique way of looking at life, which was brought out in his stand-up. And he had a peculiar way of making you think at the same time you were being entertained.

So long George. This country, hell I'll be bold enough to say the world, will miss the fuck out of you as we remember all the laughs you have given us.

Thanks and Rest In Peace, Mr. Carlin! I hope you make the "Big Guy" upstairs laugh until he pees himself.

George Carlin
1937-2008

Thy Name is Hobbit ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:07:26 GMT

Found this little tidbit of information to be quite provocative. Guillermo del Toro is set to direct, not one, but TWO Hobbit movies! Okay, yeah, I am kinda disappointed Peter Jackson was named to direct the prequel(s). But, at least del Toro does know his fantasy. I mean Hellboy was simply a treat to behold as well as Pan's Labyrinth. I believe our Mr. Bilbo is in the very capable hands of the great Mexican director! Maybe that was an overstatement, maybe it wasn't, who knows. But, the fact does remain that del Toro is a terrific director of film, on par with the likes of Marty Scorsese, the Coppola's(Francis Ford & daughter Sara), Spielberg, and Lucas himself.(Yea, I said, and I'll say it again if I have to. I am a Star Wars fan and a fan of Lucas' work ...except "Howard the Duck." Yet it still has a realm of charm about it, but I digress)

Good luck to Mr. del Toro and his upcoming project(s), and here's hoping Bilbo Baggins LIVES ON FOREVER! (Bilbo Baggins is "The Hobbit")

That is all!

MySpace Blog entries ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 06:14:08 GMT

As promised, here is the blogs I posted over at MySpace.

Enjoy.

[BEGIN]
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
been awhile ...and luvin’ it ...whatever THAT means ...
Current mood: relaxed
Category: just woke up Blogging

I know ...I know ...it's been awhile. And there is reason for that. The reason being ...I don't usually blog ovah 'ere at myspace. Only on occasion and when wind strikes (or when that funny little wild hair decides to crawl up and tickle my fancy ass!)

Anyway, to catch up ...got a new car ...almost got a new job ...and a dire need of a new wife ...heheh ...pretty much sums all dat up!

Keep on rockin', all you folks out there in cyber-space-land!
THX_CSV

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Saturday, May 05, 2007
Spider-man 3 ...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

okay, it's been awhile ...anywho, just saw Spider-Man 3 @ the Regal Gateway down here in glorious Austin, Tx ...What A Great A Flick! I know I sure loved ...but then I love the character and can identify with him on a personal level ...so, I suppose I am a little biased when it comes to critiquing the movie ...I went in to see the film the way I always go in to see any movie ...to be entertained! I am a guy who likes and is a big fan of the cinema ...and of Spider-Man ...suffice to say, a third movie based on my intellectually-fictional hero invokes something real profound within me ...the movie was a fun romp ...a singular directorial vision of a filmmaker who also happens to be a fan ...and sam raimi is quite simply, a great director! he has made some pretty impressive films over the years ...at least three in his repertoire are considered cult classics ...even the films which didn't do so well at the box office are by-and-large good, enjoyable films ...

This review of Spider-Man 3 is not about the bashing of a summer blockbuster ...which seems to be the norm these days ...more accurately, it is about the love of cinema and what a fun, entertaining ride the movie delivers ...which it does hands down ...

'nuff said ...

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Saturday, December 30, 2006
A couple days before the NEW YEAR!
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Dec.30, 2006 --GAWD! Two days before 2007! Where does the time go? Every year starts out the same way, it's January. It holds lots of promise. I make plans for the year. Before I know it, stuff happens. The plans get changed and everything is screwed up! I guess that's the way life is supposed to work ...I guess that's why life tends to suck hard at times ...

Anyway, I just keep bumpin' 'round this big spinning marble and keep the hope alive. That's all anyone can do ...I suppose ...

Oh, I met someone on myspace ...she's in my friend's list ...

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Friday, December 08, 2006
Sitting here listenin' to the Dudley and Bob show!
Current mood: rejuvenated
Category: Life

So, I checked my email this morning. Found the reply from someone I met through Yahoo. Her name: Julia. What is she: Goddess. Okay, maybe puttin' her too far up on a pedastel ...but compared to the way life has gone down, that is the only direction I wanna go!

We are playing the email game ...right now. But, I am ever hopeful for a meetup and start dating ...maybe. As always, it is whatever she wants and I will be more than happy to sit back and wait for as long as it takes.

My life has had such a terrible turn as of late and I am glad ...even gratified it is all coming together again. A complete rebuild of everything that was torn down ...

But, now things seem good again. As if I am a phoenix reborn! Rising from the ashes! Daring to dream again.

Anyway, babbling. So, I'll end it here.

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Sunday, November 26, 2006
Feelin' mighty fine ...
Current mood: drained
Category: Life

just got off work after a long day of hell ...I am tired, cranky and just wanna go bed!! maybe i'll blog laters ...

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Sunday, July 16, 2006
Back online and ready to rock ...kind of ...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

As I sit here, in front of my NEW CRT, I cannot help thinking about stuff. Things are finally taking shape for me, as I climb up from what seemed to be the bottom. Seemed to be the bottom ...but, not really. As I look back on the past few months, I have realized something. I have realized the happenings that went on within that time-frame was not all that devastating. It SEEMED that way at the time, because I being scrutinized, criticized and put under a tremendous amount of pressure.

So I sit here, looking at this new monitor I just bought today, thinking how great it feels to be back online. And I feel it seems ironic that where I am back online in cyberspace ...I am back online in real life too! However, my heart does still ache everytime I think of her.

I guess that is life, and I should get used to it.

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Friday, June 23, 2006
Feeling apathetic ...
Current mood: apathetic

A quick note before I go to work.

Still feeling a depressed about my whole sitch. My esteemed family is NOT calling me. I am talking about everyone, from the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. Even my girlfriend, my damn girlfriend. Well, I suppose that would be ex-girlfriend.

It seems the world is against me, and maybe it has always been against me. Maybe I was too blind to see it before, but I really do feel like everyone up until this point has just placated me and made me feel nothing was wrong.

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Thursday, June 22, 2006
Come and Go ...
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Romance and Relationships

Girlfriends. Who needs 'em? It's the question I have been trying to answer for the past few months. Ever since my-so-called-girlfriend walked out on me. Without so much as a 'good-bye' or to talk about whatever was bothering her, either. She, this person to be named ...NEVER, (Lisa Bottens) led me to believe that things were alright, that we were going to work things out and straighten things up in our relationship. Instead, she was impatient and secretive.

All I ever tried to asked of her was to be patient enough to let me figure things out. Let me sort out my problems, so they won't interfere in the relationship. She did not listen. A fact that is obvious to me now. I was still struggling with the idea of surrendering myself to her, body and soul. To intertwine myself within her and hold on tight. And I did. More so than I have realized. I gave myself over to her and laid myself vulnerable to her. Only for her to thrust her hand deep within my chest and rip out my heart. I stood there, watching her hold my heart in her hand and slowly start to squeeze. The pain was unbearable and when she was done, she dropped it at her feet.

I feel hollow inside, as if there nothing more left in me. She took from me, everything I knew myself to be. Left me a hollow man, struggling to rebuild everything to whom I once was.

Girlfriends. Who needs 'em? I do. Everything I went through with Lisa, I still want to take the risk again. When I do, I will have learned and not make the same mistakes again.

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Let's be pirates and be a little piratical ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 06:06:06 GMT

Well, my McJob shut down for the night to do a little renovation on the front counter area. So, I got the night off ...wish I didn't, though. Oh well, what can ya do? I got the night off and I decided to go and play 'Pirates of the Spanish Main' at Dragon's Lair! It was awesome! With hope I can get the Monday after next off as well to play some more! That would be sweet. I suppose I could just request that day off or just ask to come in a bit later ...

Anyway, I should go to bed. I is getting very sleepy now.

Nighty-night ...

myspace and the phishers ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:14:27 GMT

Well, My myspace page has been phished ...again, for the second time. Stupid hackers can really mess up a good thing. Guess I am going to have to do another page and hope i don't get phished again ...

...oh, and i'll be posting the blogs i did over on myspace right here on livejournal!

See ya in the funnies!

Dateline: April 2008

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:50:43 GMT

Time. It really does fly, does it not?

It was four years ago, when I decided to move down here to Austin. A year and a half since parting ways with my girl. But, I digress.

I am just amazed as to how much things tend to change ...and stay the same at the same time. Yes, I am a little older and a little wiser since graduating college--Hell, since graduating high school! I have seen a lot of good times, a lot of bad times and I am here to tell you I have survived it all! No matter the odds, no matter how broken my heart gets and no matter how much I look back with simple fondness for all the good times, I shall survive. (Damn, is at pedantic or does that all sound like some cheesey 80s song.) I will move forward in life and be happy with who I am. Because in the end, all we have is ourselves and our dreams.

Dreams can be powerful. (As Dennis Hopper can attest to in those Ameriprise commercials) They can propel us to greater heights. They can create within us, a sense of wonder and outrageous outlook (Okay, yeah, Patrick Swayze said this in the film, "To Wong Foo ..." and yes, I know the Swayze is dolled up in drag in the film, but a funny film is a film and he did put in a helluva performance. So, screw off ya mooks! (heheh ...always in the tongue-in-cheek)) on the world abroad. Dreams are a great motivator, which helps us to seek out (if you say, 'to seek out new life and new civilizations' then I'm outty) better lives at the same time gaining knowledge about the world.

'nuf said (Great, now we're channeling the very much ALIVE, Stan Lee)

A quick note ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:28:26 GMT

...for a few words of erroneous wit? No. Sadly, not this time. Maybe next time. However, chew on this for awhile:

http://www.defendersofstan.com/

It is very funny stuff!

Defenders of Stan! What a riot!

That is all!

Done with #1, about to tackle #2 ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 11:38:32 GMT

...and I don't mean going to the bathroom. Heheh ...

Hey, it's me again. Yes. It's true. I am finally done writing the first novel. What a chore that was? No, it really was not a chore, per say. Just something which went on for far too long.

My thoughts and feelings upon completion of the thing is a mixed bag of tricks. It is true I am happy the way the book turned out, but the thing is I had imagined Lisa being here when I did complete it. (There he goes again, folks) Well, I won't dwell on that here. I promised myself I would not a long time ago. So, I digress.

I am about to start writing book #2--the sequel to the first. (After all, there is to be nine books all totaled.) I anticipate spending far less time on the second one, because I really want to get to the third one to wrap-up the "android" storyline which comprises the first trilogy. Then it is on to doing final drafts of the middle and final trilogies, which will be exciting as hell, in lieu of some changes made in the first book.

Finally, I hope to be announcing a comic based loosely from the novel series. The comic series explores a specific character with certain abilities and her relationship with a certain FBI agent. Right now, I am searching for an artist who specializes in drawing in the Japanese "manga-style."

So, there you have it folks! (And now for a little #2 action ...)

A couple of things ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:23:43 GMT

Every couple of months or so, I spend time writing stories. Crazy stories of action, suspense, intrigue and comedy. Once the stories are written, I throw them all in a literary magazine of my devising. A literary magazine called "Paradigm Shift."

Within those pulse-pounding issues of jocular wit, I compose an article detailing my personal views on the world abroad. The article in the Paradigm Shift reads much like a blog on the internet. Well, I tend to write many essays about this, that and the other on a lot of subjects. Unfortunately, I only choose one "essay" for print.

So, here is two, count them two, such essays that have never seen the light of day (or maybe they were first drafts, which is entirely possible).

Here goes ...

FTP July #1

It has been a year since I have been released from my PERSONAL vowes of love and commitment toward the woman of my dreams. A year, in which I have agonized and ached as my heart tried to heal itself from a being so shattered. Now, however, I am doing a whole lot better. I want so badly to say I have absolutely no feeling for her. But, the reality is as it is and I do and always will. It is a struggle I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I am fine with that.

Love is a funny thing. Up until meeting the woman-whom-shall-not-be-named I thought I knew what love was. Thought I could conquer it and watch any problem that came my way take care of itself. Love is exhausting and very, very messy. It is very high maintainence thing. An idea which always has to be tended. So, in looking back, I do not think I did enough to soothe the savage beast. I thought I had done everything I could think of, I was wrong. Maybe I needed to do more.

Considering the issues she brought to the relationship, it is really hard for me to make any judgments concerning all that went past.

I am fine now. I do not harbor a grudge of any kind. It is simply not in my nature. It is frustrating to me, however, because there was so many things left unsaid. So many things I wanted to do with her. Places I wanted her to see. She said she wanted a clean break, that it would make everything so much easier. She was so wrong. It only made things worse and complicated matters.

Somehow I do not think she is any happier than she was with me or before we started going out. She, this person not to be named, was an unhappy individual before she met me and wallowed in it while we lived together. As much as I tried to do everything to put things right with her, the more she backed away.

Whether or not she wants to realize it or not, the love we shared was good. What I tried to do for her was good. And that is important and encouraging. I just hope she works through her own selfish problems and issues and becomes the happy person she desperately wants to be.

FTP July #2
Okay. I have been in a real quandary trying decide just what to write about for this installment of the FTP. It seems like, every time I sit down and write something, I have a tendency to write the past year and everything that has since transpired. I have been fixated with the past for so long and have really lost my focus of what life is all about. What I have dreamed about and the goals I have yet to attain.

I have rebounded from the bad pretty well, I think. I have a roof over my head, a job and, now, a car to transport me from A to b. I have since met new friends and plan to publish my novel by 2008. Life seems to be good, right now, with the hopes things will be even better in the future.

Even though I will always love her, each successive day sends me further away from her emotionally. At first, it was heart-wrenching, but it is getting easier over time. And, that is a good thing.

Writer's Block: Go Get 'Em?

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:40:38 GMT

Are you a go-getter or do you wait for things to happen to you?

View 500 Answers

I usually have two processes to keep the muse alive. What I do is force myself to relax by closing my eyes. For me, it kinda jump starts my creativity a little by giving me something to write about. I think about a character, a situation, and go with that. Often times the story travels to a different place from where I started and that to me is exciting. Another thing is that I look for writing prompts online (primarily on writing.com(i think)).

Life is a cruel mistress!

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 23:54:17 GMT

It has been said, somewhere—by someone—that life is all sunshine and rainbows. Blah. It has been my experience that life is anything but. For me, life is a cruel mistress! And I am her unwitting submissive partner. Forever taking it up the “poop-shoot” if I want it or not. And sometimes without any lube or the benefit of a reach-around. Kidding.
Life, indeed, can suck. Especially after you spend your every waking hour trying to affect yourself in some positive way and get ahead. Life is a struggle of dominance. The more you push, the harder it pushes back. Well, that has been my experience, and maybe, I have been going at it all wrong. Maybe, that is not the point in getting ahead in life. Maybe what one has to do, is to roll with it. Take life as it comes and have a certain humor about it all.
Because, after all, humor is the medicine for the down-troddin’. And, right now, I feel as down-troddin’ as they come. I feel as if life has proverbial kicked me to the curbside, and kept on kicking. Leaving me no room to get to my feet and stand up for myself. To stand my ground in the wake of personal and professional disappointment. But it is weird, however, that for all my trials I have been through, I have not remained bitter. I guess a forgiving nature has been burned into me from very early on. Even when I think back to the bad times and try to assign blame, I cannot. I try to be resentful and hate those whomever did me wrong, but cannot. I tend to look back with a stoically-detached eye.
Sure, some things do still hurt like Hell on an emotional level. And I am not too sure I will ever heal totally. I will persevere, though. I will persevere and pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off and continue with the rest of my life. Because, in the end, that is all I really have.
So, I will continue to strive for perfection. To be the best I can be, without punishing myself over past mistakes. I will raise my head in defiance of the cruel mistress and stand my ground.

Money, money, money ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:41:05 GMT

Got my tax refund today! So, that kinda eases up some of the stress. Having money tends to do that, as opposed to not having it is the source of a lot of anxiety. Something I need less of in my life.

I am sitting here, feeling pretty good. I am listening to Bryan Adams(Summer of 69) and thinking about my game tonight. It's a Savage Worlds game run by none other than Terry Whisenant. He's a great guy and wonderful human being. I hope to know him for a great long time to come, as well as Charles, Brad and Sam!

Savage Worlds is a great game system, but my hopes are that we would resume the old Elven Emissaries campaign!

Feeling like crap, with no one to care ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 02:33:21 GMT

It has been very stressful these several months. At work, at home, practically damn near everywhere! Leaving me to feeling utterly, utterly abandoned, frightened and alone. I love people. I love life and I spend most of my time being or trying to be as optimistic as I can. I mean, it is in my nature. I am an optimistically nice person, and given how much shit that gets fed to me on a day to day basis, I am totally surprised my optimism has not turned sour.

Yes, I am sitting here. Right now. On the verge of tears, because I am upset. And it upsets me all the more to think about people not liking me. All my life I have strived to fit into the crowd and be a part of the whole. What's wrong with me that I cannot do that. Hell, I don't even get to have friends, friends I can call my BEST FRIENDS!

And, it looks my own family does not want to really have anything to do with me. They all talk how they miss me and all that ...but, I spent New Year's with them ...it did not have the same feel as it did before I met Lisa and how everything went south from there. The platitudes felt forced, well from Mom and Greg and Kim. Jay seemed genuine enough as if he understood what I was going through and wanted to help, yet unsure as to how. Abby and Kelsie barely talked to me and more or less avoided me.

The world--friends and family alike--now thinks I beat women, when that is the farthest from the truth it can possibly get. I like women. I was raised for most of my life by a woman.

So, I sit here and continue my lament. Not knowing what to do, because everybody(my family) is insistant upon my taking some godforsaken medication for some ailment I DON'T HAVE!

I am tired of being treated the way do. Tired of people taking advantage of me. Tired of being fed a shit dessert of ass candy!

2008! A brand new year! Yeah, right ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:10:00 GMT

So, it is the year 2008! Big fat hairy deal. I quit looking forward to the new year ever since ...ever since ...ever since the bad happened back at the tail end of 2005 and the head of 2006.

2006 was supposed to have been our year (Lisa and Me). It was supposed to have been a year of getting things straightened out financially, romantically and socially. It was supposed to have been year of getting things right!

That was before life had intervened screwed everything up. 2006 became a year of redemption. To myself and to my family. 2007, on the other hand, was a year of loss and healing from the scars left behind by my former significant other. And going into 2008, the scars are still there and it still hurts on occasion. But, I think I am done with the worst of it.

So, 2008. What do you bring to my table?! Will you be just an extension of 2007?! Or will you be something entirely different?!

I do know this, with hope I will see my novel published. And not just the science fiction book, but the detective drama, as well as publishing my literary zine for the masses! 2008, looks promising to me and I hope things go well enough where I can finally see myself as a published author.

I raise a glass to 2008, and pray to God that all the promises I hold for this year are fulfilled. Thereby, thoroughly enriching my life.

The day's events ...

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 20:03:22 GMT

Whoa ...quite alot has been going as of late ...where should I start?

Today! Well, got off from work after 6:00am and came straight home and slept for a few. (Sleep is nice!) After that, I got up and donated the plasma. Later on, I will be heading back to work (on my effing day off, no less) at 10:00pm. Yep, still working at McD's, and still barely making enough money to live and pay the bills ...and that has gotten me more than a little upset.

*Sigh* Upset. Still upset over the breakup a little over a year ago ...and deeply saddened by it. I want so badly for my life to go right ...for once ...to put it in her face that I am just fine without her. That I do not need her!

My family ...my wonderfully supportive family. When all that that went down ...and our problems blossomed from the fiery pits of hell itself, my family was so quick to point to me and say, "I told you so! Take medication to control your erratic behavior!" It was as if they refused to listen to me, their son, side with the one person they had no business siding with. Her: the one whom shall never be named.

I love my family. I love them alot, as a matter of fact. But, I do not ever want to compromise myself again. I have done that so many times in my life. I have let people use me ...abuse me ...and walk all over me. I realize now, that has really hurt me emotionally. So, no ...I do not need medication, family. I do know the difference between right and wrong. I do understand the consequences of my actions. And deep down, I am the good, decent person which I strive to be.

With that said, I must bid you ado ...

ROOMMATES! ROOMMATES! ROOMMATES!

thx_csv@yahoo.com — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 21:38:35 GMT

Oh, boy. Roommates! I tell ya. They can be a blessing and a curse ...well, one guy in particular ...his name: Cyrus, and let me tell you he is a genuine pain in the ass. The guy does NOT consider or even respect the fact there is someone else living here. He cranks his gorram TV to its highest volume constantly and does every frakkin' thing he can to task me. All the while pretending he is an innocent little budding flower.